Decisions...

It's been so long.
I decided I wasn't going to blog anymore.. or read anyone else's either. I decided I wasn't going to take part or let any of this, influence my mind and life.
And it's worked. For the last month, I've been eating what I want, when I want. I have even started eating non-vegan foods occasionally (something I'm not proud of)!!
I haven't really been thinking about the food I'm consuming and how it's affecting me.. for some reason it just doesn't cross my mind.

Anyway, the last month or so has been full on. So much has happened. I decided this morning that I wanted to go back and read my previous blogs to see how much really had changed.
The 'ex' is no longer the ex but he's my boyfriend...again.. don't ask me how that happened.. I'm so weak!
My parents love him, my friends love him, everything is pretty close to perfect- Except the fact that I feel like I have no control. I always give in to him. I set boundaries, rules.. I set expectations.. but I never follow through with them. He makes me weak. He makes me forget, he makes me let go of everything...
He is amazing. When we're together it feels so right, so blessed, so amazing. I look into his big dark eyes, he makes me so weak, I give in to him time and time again.

He doesn't care what I look like, at all, ever. I don't understand it, he should, I want him to. He tells me:
"we're both going to get fat and ugly one day, it might aswell be now" -then he hands me the packet of starbursts and makes me eat them.
He tells me he doesn't like vanity and that we both shouldn't care what we look like. I pretend I agree.. I wish I could.. but I can't.. I can't stop myself from looking in that mirror over and over again.
"Who are you trying to impress? Me? Her? Him? Yourself? The world? The millions of people who couldn't care less?"
"Yes..."

So that's where things are at the moment. Life is one confusing crazy cycle. My head is continuously spinning, every choice, every decision, everything is just a crazy mess but it's all so worth it. It's spontaneous & that's how I like it.