Decisions...

It's been so long.
I decided I wasn't going to blog anymore.. or read anyone else's either. I decided I wasn't going to take part or let any of this, influence my mind and life.
And it's worked. For the last month, I've been eating what I want, when I want. I have even started eating non-vegan foods occasionally (something I'm not proud of)!!
I haven't really been thinking about the food I'm consuming and how it's affecting me.. for some reason it just doesn't cross my mind.

Anyway, the last month or so has been full on. So much has happened. I decided this morning that I wanted to go back and read my previous blogs to see how much really had changed.
The 'ex' is no longer the ex but he's my boyfriend...again.. don't ask me how that happened.. I'm so weak!
My parents love him, my friends love him, everything is pretty close to perfect- Except the fact that I feel like I have no control. I always give in to him. I set boundaries, rules.. I set expectations.. but I never follow through with them. He makes me weak. He makes me forget, he makes me let go of everything...
He is amazing. When we're together it feels so right, so blessed, so amazing. I look into his big dark eyes, he makes me so weak, I give in to him time and time again.

He doesn't care what I look like, at all, ever. I don't understand it, he should, I want him to. He tells me:
"we're both going to get fat and ugly one day, it might aswell be now" -then he hands me the packet of starbursts and makes me eat them.
He tells me he doesn't like vanity and that we both shouldn't care what we look like. I pretend I agree.. I wish I could.. but I can't.. I can't stop myself from looking in that mirror over and over again.
"Who are you trying to impress? Me? Her? Him? Yourself? The world? The millions of people who couldn't care less?"
"Yes..."

So that's where things are at the moment. Life is one confusing crazy cycle. My head is continuously spinning, every choice, every decision, everything is just a crazy mess but it's all so worth it. It's spontaneous & that's how I like it.

H.E.L.P!!

GAH!!!
It's like every Sunday I feel like such a failure!!
I can't stop myself from eating. I want to eat.. I love eating but so badly want to be stick skinny!
And my ex is no motivation- if anything he makes me want to eat more.. So he doesn't think I'm crazy!
He knows I have self-esteem issues.. but i think he likes the fact I'm not full of myself. And boy he's attractive & I hate him for it. I can't contain myself.. he is yet another one of my weaknesses.
What's wrong with me?!?! I can't control anything in my life!
I need help, I need to stay strong, I need to shut my mouth!!!
HELP!!

- I haven't weighed myself in weeks. I bet I'm back to the weight I started at. I can't bare to see those aweful numbers. I hate myself for letting myself get like this. It's summer, I'm a fat cow & my ex is a sexy greek with muscles and a sick tan!

Ex motivation

Hola Hola Hola,

Okay so this week I'm starting fresh, putting last week behind me.
Today I have consumed- 6 strawberries, half an orange, small salad, 3 dates, loads of water with lemon juice and veggie omelet. No idea how many calories :S

So new turn in my life.. just as life is getting in to order, in control, things are fairly neutral & I'm set.. my ex has just come along.
He randomly invited me to the G.love and John Mayer concert in May- just me and him. He decides to dump his gf (which he's been with for a year), pull some sweet talk on me, bring back memories, offer to take me out for dinner (to my fav place, which means I'll probably over eat) and expects me to be with him again like nothing ever happened.
And yeah I nearly fell off my seat when I got the invite to the concert and yeah i was stoked to hear from him but he's just screwing with me yet again.
He's a good guy and he's a tonne of fun to be with but I can see everyone saying to me "Skab, not again, don't do it!"
He's so damn persistant, he texts me like 50 times a day, he brings 'us' up in nearly every message.
I hate him so much.. yet I could so easily fall for him again.
Anyways, we're going to the bay for dinner on Sat night after work. I just hope he doesn't want to swim.. my body is a mess right now!
So anyways he's another motivation for losing the weight. I want to show him what he could have had, Tease him a lil then show him how much it hurts when he can't have what he wants.
Yes I'm a bitch! But I need the motivation & besides it's his turn to be messed with.

Anyways nighty night..

Failure...

This week so far has been horrible!!

I have eaten toooo much! I feel disguesting. I feel guilty. I miss my hunger pains!

Been going to the beach alot lately. I feel so fat seeing those other girls. I so badly want to be thin but feel like I haven't eaten anything nice in so long... I crave junk foods.

My self-control is usually really good but lately I've been giving in & I will never bring myself to the state of purging so it just sits inside my stomach making me gain weight.

I'm not going to weigh myself for a while probably, maybe next week.

I'm annoyed at myself. I felt like I was doing so well last week and was hoping to do the same this week but instead it has been a nightmare!



Spent the nigth at my cousin's last night. We went to the beach and then back to hers. We stayed up late eating all the clusters out of her mum's favourite cereal (vanilla granola with clusters). They taste so good! I've also eaten a dairy free chocolate bar, overload of cereal, large amount of vegan nachos and the list goes on....



My aunty (who's a bit overweight) has a theory, which alot of people I know totally agree with including my school teacher and parents.

She says "more people die or get sick from stress. It' healthier to not worry about your weight and be a little bit chubby than be super skinny and stress about everything you put in your mouth."

And in a sense I agree also. Alot of people get sick from stress & I'm not happy having to think about food all the time, BUT at the same time I REALLY DON"T WANT TO BE FAT or even a little bit chubby. I want to be stick skinny! I would love to have it handed to me like some people - be stick skinny and eat whatever I like- but unfortunately that's not the case, so... it looks like stress it is!

Wish me luck!



Hoping things get better.. praying for my self control to come back.

Weekend food & 3kg to go...

Weighed myself on Friday night- 53.2
Again on Saturday 52.8
So I'll adverage it & say 53kg! Loss of 1.7kg in a 9 days.
Spent most of my weekend at Donna's. Bad thing about her house is they always make me eat too much. Luckily, i requested to have just vegetables so I had a plate of vegies (way more than I would usually have tho) and for desert a bowl of melon. My stomach was about to explode!

Saturday- we had a 'relibash' and went to 'Charlie's'- all you can eat restaurant. Sheesh I hate those places. I was dreding it but bared it.
I mainly stuck to vegies- chinese veg mix, corn, bok choy, tempura battered eggplant. I also had 2 mini spring rolls, 3 onion rings and 1 chip. For desert I had 2 slices of orange, 3 cubes of watermelon, 6 slices of poached peach and a spoonful of the apple from the apple crumble.
I was full! I'm hoping it won't effect my weigh in next week.

3 kg to go till my goal. If I keep at the rate I'm going should be there by the end of the month. But then I'll probably want to be under 50 for Christmas - so I can maybe let myself go a bit on the day.

I must admit I have noticed the weight loss in my body. My thighs are further apart, my pants aren't as tight, my boobs have turned into mosquito bites (damn!) and collar bones show more.
The area I wanted to lose fat from the most was my belly and hips, which unfortunately haven't changed much.. but I'm working on it. My pelvic bones WILL stick out, no matter how long it takes!

My friends have noticed it too. They compare themselves to me and say they're fat. But the only difference is I'm willing to do something about it and they're not!
Don thinks I'm dieting because I refuse to eat chocolate but I use my excuse of my vegan lifestyle and 'bad digestive system' to get her off my back.

Anyways that is pretty much it... so ciao.. Shall blog again soon- hopefully with even more improvement!

Hunger pains.. where have you gone?!?

Wednesday already. Life seems to go so fast.
I haven't had hunger pains this whole week & I'm eating less than I usually do. Maybe my stomach's shrinked, let's hope so!
I kinda miss them, I don't know when I should be eating. My plan of only eating when I'm hungry doesn't work anymore.
For the past few days I haven't felt like eating but I forced myself to- to make sure I get the nutrients and vitamins I need.
I don't really know what to do?!?!
I also haven't felt like I'm making any progress. I look at myself and still see those nasty hips, arms, thighs and tummy. I don't know what's up. I'll hopefully weigh myself Saturday night.
I think I'm going to cut my intake more & stick to mainly just fruit & veg.

Breakfast- One piece of fruit.
Recess-Another piece of fruit.
Lunch-Small salad (chunk of cucumber, 1/2 tomato, 1/5 capsicum, 1 mushroom, piece of lettuce.
Afternoon tea-Nothing.
Dinner- Small serving of whatever's made (usually salad.)

My belly button piercing has grown out already. I only got it about 4 months ago & I'm dev'd coz it didn't even last the summer! Now my stomach looks even worse & no doubt it will leave a nasty scar. Gah!!!

Weekend bloatation...

Saturday was crap. I felt full, bloated, fat, huge and ugly. I was actually missing my usual hunger pains. On weekends I usually tell myslef I'm allowed to eat different foods. Not unhelathy or high cal, just different, so I'm not always eating the same things all the time. I also tell myself I'm allowed a treat like a soy chai latte or soy icecream.

So I ate differnt foods and I felt like shit.

Today (sunday) I went to the beach with friends. And as usual I watched the skinny girls prance around in their bikinis with no shame. However, I didn't let them stop me from having fun so even with my hideously flubbery stomach and rather large hips I went around in my bikini. There were a tonne of fat girls too so atleast I felt a little more confident.

My hunger pains still havent come back, from eating over the weekend. I want them back so i can atleast 'think' I'm losing. When it hurts, I tell myself... it's one step closer to my goal weight. Every thing I don't eat is helping me achieve.

My cuz and I were looking on a 'post secret' gallery. Found heaps that I could relate to. Here's one I thought i'd post because it's totally relavent :P